Musilton’s Musing: Thought Provoking Questions, Statements, and Other Ponderings From a P.E. Teacher.

Mr. Usilton has been teaching P.E. for 28 years; the past 20 years at the elementary level. He has been the co-op for 45 student teachers. Mr. Usilton is the father of 4 children 12-14 years old (12 yr. old triplets). He is continually observing everything he can about children and sport. The following is the first in a series of articles. These articles are opinions and observations. Most however, are research based.

Living Vicariously Through Our Children and the Expectations We Have For Them

written by Michael Usilton, Fern Hill Elementary School, West Chester PA

Many thanks to Mrs. Eberly (Fern Hill Elementary school’s principal) who suggested this article out of her own fears.

We all do it! Admit it now! If we didn't to a certain extent, we would be an uninvolved parent!

Consider this. Parents make an enormous effort to get children to participate. Time, money spent for gas and player fees, and food and hotels (higher level sport). A single year of a decent level travel sport may cost $2500. At the truly elite levels the cost may rise to $10,000. The way parents act or react has a profound influence on a child's development. Parents agonize while watching children in sports. This is especially true as their children get older, and they and their children have expectations. This is normal, because what happens during competition affects both parent and child. We don't like to see our child suffer.

If our child is playing poorly, not only do they suffer but we agonize for them also. Make an effort to have a good time, and be prepared to agonize without it causing you to lose control. Do you control your thoughts and emotions? NO! However, we do control what we do with them! An emotion that is kept internal is just that - unseen, unheard, and unacted upon.

I've heard many stories:

• The little league dads who got into a fight because of a comment made, and had to be removed by the police.
• Parents and coaches yell at the referee for both "good" and "bad" calls ("It's about time you started calling that!" - after a good call).
• A parent yells instructions at his 15 year old daughter during a casual pick-up game ("She is an elite athlete and should know what to do!")
• Children scheduled for four sports and an instrument in one season, and just wanting to have nothing to do.
• Parents texting the coach during a game, asking why their child is not playing more (this one takes the cake).

At the root of this is the understanding that we want our children to be successful! It is the "pursuit of excellence." When we go to a concert, a sporting event, or a spelling competition, we are there to observe and cheer on our children. We are also there to observe so we can help them be better, especially if we have expertise in our child's area of participation. I can certainly identify with all of the above, and may also be slightly guilty. When we cross that line though, we tell everyone around us many things.

"I miss playing so much that I expect my 12 year old to care just as much about sport (fill in an activity) as I did when I was 18-22 and last played."

"I didn't meet my own expectations when I was a young adult, so I will have my child to do that with. Sport is the root of all success in life" (it does play a part in physical, psychological, and social development).

"My child will get a full scholarship if I push hard enough or spend enough money (that is another article)."

"I can brag at the club because my child is (fill in the blank)."

"The experiences I had with a team were so positive in my life that I will do anything to have my child experience the same (I could fall for this pitfall if I am not careful)."

Don't get me wrong. Sport is great, and so are most of the parents I have come into contact with! Sport benefits are wide reaching. Parents need to have their children experience many things. The lessons learned on the field, the work with a team, and the common goal are all extremely valuable "life lessons." At the root of all this, though, is the purpose for sport.

Sport is designed to be enjoyed. Win, lose, or draw it should be fun for your child (not necessarily you). If sport is not fun or your child - continuously complains about practice - then you (and they) may have to reevaluate. Are they playing for themselves or for you? A driven child will constantly practice on his own without parent involvement. Conversely, children can still have fun without practicing (on their own). They will just not meet their full potential (oops! I think I slipped to the dark side for a second).

I love the Big Ten commercial where the announcer talks about some of the best athletes in the nation, and how they will be doing something else after college (ex. Engineering). Statistically, a full scholarship will not be forth coming either, so take that off the table - now! If one is earned then that is fantastic! Just don't count on it.

In conclusion, let your child decide what activities they want to participate in (after an introduction to many). Moderate the amount of activities they choose to do. Attend these activities to support them whenever you can! After the game let your child talk (take the initiative). Let their feelings come through. If they feel like talking "listen." If they want silence "be there." When you are at the game cheer positively, and keep any negative comments amongst yourselves (adults).

When negative things have to be discussed (in private) keep the comments related to improvement only. Tread lightly when speaking about other peoples' children. Never berate a coach, parent, referee, or child when having a conversation with your child. Don't coach from the sidelines. It just confuses your children, and may be contradictory to what the actual coach wants (guilty as charged).

Try to put sport into the proper perspective. It is a venue for fitness, friends, teamwork, goal setting, perseverance, and most of all - fun! It brings back the best of memories from my youth, and I'm convinced it and the people who I came in contact with helped shape who I am today (oops slipped again!).

Best to all, Mr. Usilton.

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